At the Gate For the Sheep

A Catholic Life in Japan

found the key of life

January 2, 2008 at 4:13 pm · Filed under Life and tagged:

Until September, 2007, I had thought that all my life was going to be filled with bitter and salty struggles against the fear for the others.  It wasn’t right or bright way to live with. I, myself, had been notice it for long years, but couldn’t change it.  I had always tried to erase this fear, this “please-don’t-hurt-me” feeling, pretending someone confident to live as herself, someone I didn’t know much. 
 
I had lived in that way as perfectly as I had to leave the last company. Since then, I was too tired to pretend , but nobody knew what I truly was. Even my original family members didn’t understand me. Perhaps they couldn’t. They had no talent to just “listen” the others at first. I was so shocked to hear my mother say, “I mistook the way to bring you up,” when I stayed with their house after quitting the job by clinical depression. I had lived so hard and there was only two possible way outs. I had to move to UK where my husband was living away from me for his master’s degree. That was my only hope. And the other was despair, though it would end my despair. 
 
When I wrote the last several entries,  I was loosing this only hope. My husband was like a “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” person, so he couldn’t try to understand me as I was. He didn’t understand why I couldn’t stop sobbing for loosing my job or being scared out about future job hunting. I WAS in DEPRESSION! But he didn’t let me as I was, even tried to convince me of my mistake that the life as a housewife could be wonderful. No, no, no! I made a mistake, I was a mistake. So I couldn’t choose my life style, and if I was going to be housewife, that would a eternal lose of my life. He has never understood. 
 
On the morning of July 11, 2007, at Narita Airport, I half believed, half disbelieved in the future. I wished  I could go back to UK, one of the place that the people live as they are. Hopefully, I found the new job as a career counsellor in a company, and I’m feeling this job is made for me. I’ve learned new things and have been getting through tough times. All these small steps forward have made me strong. I’m now confident to be as I am in any time, any place.
 
I don’t know this was a chance given by God. But I want to believe so. I want to believe that I belong to Jesus.

 

 

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the first tears

July 2, 2007 at 8:38 am · Filed under Life, catholic

How many others come to be a catholic in foreign countries? As for me, it was the winter of 2000 to 2001, when I completely lost my way to the future.

I moved to Chiba to Saitama, Japan, in order to find quiet life away from never-ending quarrel with my mother. Living alone, I started thinking I was alone in family, in local community, or in graduate school.

I thought everything opposed to me because of my differences from others. And it was true. Now I live in England, I’m getting notice that I like to be myself rather than to be a subject to co-workers, friends, or family members.

I’ve been thinking how to live a better or deeper life since I was at the age of six or so. It makes me feel alone in the dark sometimes, and always makes me feel angry and upset at my weakness in controlling all situations.

The important thing for me is this: tranquility of my mind. I want it to be like the surface of Lake Windermere. It accept every one of trees around it and shows their true appearance.

This attitude to life has never been a way to the Lord. I have become so weak that I can’t walk into the church and pray for him. I tried to hide from people many times, and tried to remain like a ghost.

But last week, I visited the nearest cathedral. When I entered, I was surprised at the unexpected pain in my heart. Though it took me huge inner efforts to go there, it wasn’t the reason. I found myself kneel down at first sight of the cross, and I couldn’t stop my tears.

Then I gradually became aware of my longing for Him. I didn’t expect this. I just thouht to check the new interior which had been completed the last octobre. But actually I was sorry for my Lord, but I haven’t been in any church communities and haven’t been prepared to be baptised yet.

I truly hope I could be more open to new things when I go back to Japan.

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With the Lord

May 31, 2007 at 4:46 am · Filed under Japan, Life, catholic

It was a great chance for me to go to kindergartens owned by christian organisations.

I was born and raised in non-Chirstian family, both parents are Japnese, mother from Shintoism family, and father from one of the Japanese herestic Buddhistical sects. So if there were any other kindergartens nearer than thouse, my first contact with Catholicism could be my marriage or, perhaps, funeral.

But it took much more years, even dacades to decide to approach the life as a Catholic.

In Japan the percentage of the Catholic is less than 10 in the population, the Catholic officials said, and I guess the real number would be much less. That means you can not reach Catholic churches easily if you live in suburban areas, or regions far from Tokyo, the capital.

I had believed in the God and prayed in my own ways in my childhood, however, I forgot the ways through some life events in which I felt there were no help whatsoever, and untill turned 23 year-old or so, I couldn’t remember the hope for Jesus Christ.

Now I can find many sites, blogs, and podcasts, wherever I live. And I’m getting knowledge how to be like other “baptised” catholics. But I still don’t know what is to be with Jesus as a Catholic.

About half a year ago, I sent an e-mail to the “Daily Breakfast” soon after the request for information about a Catholic life in Japan, writing that I was seeking the excuses to make my family and husband understand why I want to believe in the God, and was almost feeling that I was trying to “do religion, rather than be religious”. And Fr. Roderick, the host said back in the following show, “just pray” anything to the God.

Since then I’m praying and, finally, feeling I’m on a road to the Lord. Or, on a road with the Lord.

I have rather avoided to go to church, because I felt it was too much for me to learn new things, in order to let myself understand first and explain it to my family and husband second.

Well, but maybe now I’m ready.

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The First Post

May 30, 2007 at 12:49 am · Filed under Uncategorized

Welcome to sheepgate.wordpress.com. This is my first post.

I’m writing other blog for private purposes: ADHD, Borderline Personality, and more clinical psycholoy stuffs. I was a part-time counselor and psychological tester in a hospital after my graduation from master’s course in a Japanese graduate school.

Since university, I’m strictly traind myself as a skeptic, though I have not let my thirst go. The thirst for God.

I’ve just reached and standed at the gate for the Catholic and have many things to know. I hope this blog would help me and someone in the same situation.

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