Until September, 2007, I had thought that all my life was going to be filled with bitter and salty struggles against the fear for the others.  It wasn’t right or bright way to live with. I, myself, had been notice it for long years, but couldn’t change it.  I had always tried to erase this fear, this “please-don’t-hurt-me” feeling, pretending someone confident to live as herself, someone I didn’t know much. 

 

I had lived in that way as perfectly as I had to leave the last company. Since then, I was too tired to pretend , but nobody knew what I truly was. Even my original family members didn’t understand me. Perhaps they couldn’t. They had no talent to just “listen” the others at first. I was so shocked to hear my mother say, “I mistook the way to bring you up,” when I stayed with their house after quitting the job by clinical depression. I had lived so hard and there was only two possible way outs. I had to move to UK where my husband was living away from me for his master’s degree. That was my only hope. And the other was despair, though it would end my despair. 

 

When I wrote the last several entries,  I was loosing this only hope. My husband was like a “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” person, so he couldn’t try to understand me as I was. He didn’t understand why I couldn’t stop sobbing for loosing my job or being scared out about future job hunting. I WAS in DEPRESSION! But he didn’t let me as I was, even tried to convince me of my mistake that the life as a housewife could be wonderful. No, no, no! I made a mistake, I was a mistake. So I couldn’t choose my life style, and if I was going to be housewife, that would a eternal lose of my life. He has never understood. 

 

On the morning of July 11, 2007, at Narita Airport, I half believed, half disbelieved in the future. I wished  I could go back to UK, one of the place that the people live as they are. Hopefully, I found the new job as a career counsellor in a company, and I’m feeling this job is made for me. I’ve learned new things and have been getting through tough times. All these small steps forward have made me strong. I’m now confident to be as I am in any time, any place.

 

I don’t know this was a chance given by God. But I want to believe so. I want to believe that I belong to Jesus.